Here's To Hope

Hello, wonderful friend. I don't know where I'm going to take this post, but to quote the ever eloquent Mean Girls, "I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS!" If you don't like that movie, you don't even go here. But that's off topic (ignoring the fact that I do not yet have a topic). Also this is probably going to get intensely personal, so if you were looking for a happy little read before bedtime- check in another time.

This past month has been tough for me, and yesterday it got a lot harder. My kind, wonderful grandpa, in all of his 93 year old perfection, is starting to near the end of a remarkably full life. Last night I was told that things were moving much more quickly than anticipated. I won't go into details because I've done an absurd amount of crying in the past 24 hours, and I'd really like to be done.

Grief is a weird, unpredictable thing. One minute you're blubbering into your (confused and rather concerned) dog, the next you're numbly working through your day. I am not able to grasp the range of my emotions- if asked, "How are you feeling," my answer would nonsensically be, "A lot." Anger, denial, mourning, guilt, confusion, and for some reason when I'm sad I get really cold. But there's one feeling that surprised me- one little gold coin amidst the emotional poetry writing and binge grape juice drinking. Hope.

There is still hope that this is just a rough patch. My grandpa could receive all the prayers my wonderful friends and family are sending. He could find a home in the facility that's taking care of him- make some friends, eat copious amounts of breakfast food (it's his favorite), find solace in Friday night services. Everyone is apprehensive, cautious- but that doesn't mean everything couldn't be cleared away with one of his astoundingly photogenic smiles. I pray every chance I get because there is no way I'm letting go of the very real possibility that everything will be ok.

Ranting about my life seems entirely too selfish, and I apologize. If you've ever been through something like this (I'm guessing a majority of people have) I am so very sorry. This is my first time dealing with potential loss, so I can't imagine having gone through this at a young age, or even more than once. The fear of losing someone you love is paralyzing, and hurts so deeply you don't know where the pain is coming from. But at the same time, I suppose I'm lucky that I had such a strong relationship to begin with. Perhaps I should focus less on what I could lose, and more on how much I've gained from a strong, wonderful man. My grandpa was- and still is- a vibrant and loving soul. I love him, as does my family, and nothing will ever change that.

I'm going to take the next few weeks one breath at a time. While it's perfectly normal to be upset, my goal is to try and focus on what a great relationship has blossomed. And there's still that shining, fluttering thing called hope. I hope (that was completely unintentional, I assure you) that whatever difficulties you find yourself in, you hold tight to the idea that there could still be a happy ending. Because it's possible. The universe is cool like that.

So here's to hope. May our positive thoughts take firm control of runaway fears, and let us find beauty in whatever the future holds. May we honor the past by respecting what comes next. I sound like a hippie yoga teacher, but my heart feels lighter so hey maybe that's not such a bad thing.

XOXO
Jenn

Pep talk!

Hello, friend! So I haven't recently gone out and tried to make the world a better place- I think it's been a few months, which is far too long. Every day presents itself as an opportunity to make positive change in other peoples' lives, and I don't carpe that diem as often as I'd like. Time to turn that around! I'm feeling a pep talk coming on. I'm also feeling chipotle, so let's make one out of the two happen. (Plot twist I can't drive and lack american currency, so pep talk it is)

YOU ARE THE COOLEST, MOST STUNNINGLY RAD NUGGET OUT THERE. You may be thinking, "How is that possible? You're addressing this blog to any bored soul who stumbles across it! Not just me, you silly barnacle!" This is true, and props for your intellectual prowess, but only you have that sexily unique DNA strand that makes up your perfection. All of you beauties are different and will digest my words in different ways, so in that sense this pep talk is only for you- in the way that you understand it. That only kind of makes sense, so let's move on.

Can we just talk about that smile? Butter my biscuits and call me breakfast, that half-circle could light up a whole room. People are drawn to your genuine warmth as you flash those pearly whites. It shows that you are welcoming and kind and don't have dentures. And that laugh, hot [expletive rhyming with shazam]. True beauty comes from true happiness, and you embody both. If you're a male reading this and are muttering saltily (oops made up a word) about the female-oriented adjectives, kindly replace them in your head with whatever manly-man descriptions you desire. All in all, your inner light shines through and makes you a total 10.

You are oh so very strong. Maybe you don't always think so, but I can tell. You've made it to this very day, this very second, with your heart still pumping. There's been mishaps, sure. But you recovered- that's what's important, and that's what makes you so strong. Despite everything, you are breathing and happy and reading this ridiculous blog. You didn't let life kick your butt. You said, "Sorry life, you can't hit that. My butt looks great today and I'm in a relationship with being freaking amazing, so keep your metaphoric hands off."

I know with every fiber of my being that you are important to the world. You have something to contribute, a gift to present, a light to shine in a dark place. Power rests in all that you do, potential energy building for when you need it to change the world. You can compose the next best sonata, give the world's best hug, or start the best climate change program. Or you could be an awesome 30th ensemble member in a show. Or be  a remarkably convincing car dealer. Even the smallest things are bigger than you realize- every day you show off your glorious nugget self, there are substantial opportunities to be significant. You matter to me and those around you. Even to the people who haven't met you yet. They will soon enough, kind soul, and boy are they in for a treat.

I could go on for pages about how incredible you are, but I'm going hiking at a shockingly early hour tomorrow and need to sleep. I hope this brightened your day! And please know that I meant every word- I firmly believe that you are incredibly significant and a wonderful asset to this goofy looking planet.

XOXO,
Jenn

Don't Let Your Thoughts Bully You

                                        Don't Let Your Thoughts Bully You


Hi friends and a spattering of strangers who will drunkenly meander their way into my blog! I'm back, so get stoked for more pretentious ramblings! 

So today's been kind of an off-day for me. I haven't started work yet so each day consists of waking up late, a 3 hour nap, blowing bubbles in my room, and ballroom dancing if I'm lucky. Downtime is of course healthy and revitalizing, but it's gotten to a mind-numbing stage. Today in particular I was just alone with my thoughts, and they decided to be jerks and turn against me. My brain rattled off for hours that I was alone because I wasn't worth anything, people dislike me, I'm going to end up making no impact on the world, etc. Your brain can be a bully if you let it, and today I ended up feeling like I deserved the onslaught of negativity.

I know this can happen to anyone, which is why I'm going all bloggy and such. If you're reading this and have ever commenced in derogatory or unkind "self-scolding," Please know you're not alone. And you have the power to funnel that criticism into something positive. Will you ever be a perfect, flower-snorting, sunshine-kissing hippie who loves every little thing about yourself? Probably not. But if you find yourself on some angry tirade about how because you didn't take out the trash you won't amount to anything, just take a second. Recognize that you're human, and that despite imperfection there are people who love you. Stop one negative thought in its bitter, whining tracks and replace it with a compliment. So maybe you didn't take out the trash on time, but you've managed to get it done every other week. Hey, that's pretty impressive. Also your outfit is on point. What I'm trying to say is that your brain can sometimes be an [expletive]. It sucks, but it means you care enough to become better. Here is a quick list of how you can change from a Negative Nancy to a Positive Petunia. That's not a thing, but I'm so going to make it one. I hope this helps, and if you personally need someone to talk (or rant) to, PLEASE don't hesitate to contact me! 

1. Use positive feedback, not criticism. If you didn't uphold your own standards on something, don't spiral into a "woe is me, I suck at life" mentality. Appreciate that your standards are so high, and give yourself specific ways you can improve. 

2. Just move on. Sometimes focusing too hard on your thoughts can make your brain turn to jelly. Nasty crab apple jelly. Delve into an activity you enjoy, or place yourself in the company of a friend. The negativity should disperse if you let your mind rest on a more positive note. 

3. Ask for a pep talk. I've personally gone to friends and asked if they could just shower me with love, and they happily accepted. I received copious amounts of written kindness, and I can always look back at the notes they've sent me and feel all warm and fuzzy again. If you're reading this and need a pep talk, please come talk to me! They are my specialty- I love complimenting people.

4. Write pretentious blogs. No but seriously, it helps me to help other people If you're the same way, reach out to people in acts of kindness. You'll be so focused on making others happy, you'll release your own self-deprecating thoughts. 

Have a lovely night, thanks for reading my thoughts! 
XOXO,
Jenn