Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Shanah Tovah- True Forgiveness

The Jewish new year revolves around the idea of forgiveness. We cast away our sins, usually in carb form into a body of water, and we ask those who we have wronged to forgive us. It is our sacred duty to cleanse ourselves, to forgive. But take a step back. Is it?

When you are obligated to forgive someone, do you really forgive them? Or do you just mumble the apology, bow your head to the appropriate degree of repentance, and move on? Even as kids, we’re told to forgive someone when they apologize to us. But this is not forgiveness. This is jumping to the end of the story, without reading the actual content.

I’d like to make it clear that no one is obligated to forgive. That’s right. If someone has wronged you, you are under no social, moral, or religious oath to forgive them. You can do, think, feel, or process whatever you darn well please. That is your right as cognizant human being. Forgiveness is like a loan that someone has given you. They’ve apologized, and handed you this metaphorical paper, reading, “You can make me pay this debt whenever you want. I owe you.” They have wronged you, so you can bring up this debt, this loan, whenever you want. That is your right. Or you could simply hand it back to them, and say, “thank you, but I don’t need this.” You can let go.

If you truly want to forgive someone, don’t do it for them. The other person is entirely irrelevant. Do you think they care that you couldn’t accept their apology? Or that they did something and you couldn’t let it go? For example, it’s hard to believe that my childhood bullies stay up at night, clutching their pillows and hoping that I’ve forgiven them for their unkindness. No, most people don’t need your forgiveness. So why forgive?

Forgive other people for your own benefit. Collecting all those loans, harboring bitterness and self-righteousness, it’s exhausting. People are unkind. Life is not just. How freeing it is to let go of the idea that the world will not hurt you. Breathe into the feeling of dropping those burdens, those preconceived notions of what is fair. Forgive others to do a service to yourself, lighten your own load. You have the power to release so much pent-up negative energy. Those stories you have swirling in your head of, “Oh, well that one time, you did…” What’s the point?

Don’t forgive because the Rabbi tells you to, or because it is written in our sacred texts. Don’t forgive to feel like some benevolent force; “I’m so emotionally mature and kind that I’m going to let you off the hook for all the bad things you’ve done.” That’s not kindness, that’s punishment, for everyone involved. Know that you have zero obligation to forgive others. And then, if this is the path you actively choose, let it all go. Throw away the debt owed. Feel how freeing it is to forgive according to your own will. Everyone is trying their best. Everyone wants to love and feel loved. How breathtaking the human spirit is! Flawed and miraculous. Apples and honey cannot possibly compare to the sweetness of fully and authentically forgiving someone. Of giving up a place of anger or fake piety in your heart, and filling it with unconditional love. It’s not easy. But we’ve got the rest of our lives to start trying.


Shanah Tovah, may your new year be filled with sweetness, love, and the relief of true forgiveness. 

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

NaPoWriMo Day 10- #JustGenieThings

imagine a genie revolution
fuming blue creatures
on blooms of smoke

     no more wishes
they chant, cobalt tongues
spewing justice
     you greedy
     sticky-fingered humans

they set themselves free
in poofs of azure cloud
shackles unclamp

imagine a genie revolution
long-since won
they stuff their jiggly indigo bellies
with EZ cheese and frozen waffles
time is inhumane

no wishes to grant
but sometimes
they have genie block parties
with a great barbeque

Thursday, April 13, 2017

NaPoWriMo Day 9- I Can Use Words

i can use words
oh hell i can make you feel
silk pressed to your thigh
like a whisper
or the smell of my hair
like honeysuckle
and summer storms
can you taste my lightning eyes
the salty thudding
under my ribcage
are you there yet
my fingers
can trace secret passwords
on your shoulderblades
feather soft
or maybe
i'm not there at all
can you hear me humming
a french ballad
something about a rose
and kisses
my lips never parting
to reveal the words
feel me
our bodies
so hot and close
like nesting dolls
but you are
just reading poetry
you sweet, silly thing
run along now
i'm only playing

NaPoWriMo Day 8- Haiku in S

she s h u f f l e s slowly
under sedentary sky
sad slip of a sigh

NaPoWriMo Day 7- Back Problems

my back gnarls like
the whorls of a tree root
I s t r e t c h
up and loll my neck
side to side to side
wriggle my shoulderblades
undulate my frame
but my spine still
curves
in a frown
stiff and unforgiving
a few splintering
cracks
to relieve a pop
or two of tension
the nape of my neck
wreaking revenge
all the way
down
to the (sore)
tip of my tailbone
maybe I slept wrong
perhaps I'm old

Thursday, April 6, 2017

NaPoWriMo Day 6- Like Soda

you give me that
sweet burn
like soda

sugarbubbles
sting
heat down my throat

carbonated smile
cherry coke curls
i think i lemonlime love you

effervescence in a swallow
let me drink
you whole

this cannot be good for me
but damn
you make my head so fizzy

i hope i don't burst

NaPoWriMo day 5- Scientist Over Noodles

The air is
grey whipped
and sweetearthelectric

I hope it storms
curled in front of the window
like a comma
slurping Korean noodles

The rain will slap the glass
pissed off lover
and grumbly thunder bass
will percussion
some nameless boy band
crooning from my phone speakers

Molecular frenzy
and I am the scientist
with steamed white rice
and lightning eyes

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

NaPoWriMo day 4- Panic Attack in Pagoda Isaac

Pagoda Isaac
is almost red, almost maroon
p e e l i n g paint,
moths swarming the faint light bulb
choking the air.
My tears come so fast
It’s         hard       to          breathe,
mascara like black veins
melting on my cheeks.

I’m huddled in the corner
hands and lips quaking.
Willow trees swish behind me
their leafy fingers moonlit and pale,
the lake is           still
and everything is beautiful.

I sob,
trying to (muffle) the sound
by clenching my jaw.
The crickets stop whirring
to hear me          break.
the night is star-studded
diamonds on ebony velvet,
the moon a child
soft and slight.

What miracles I have seen
as I         choke on saltwater,
my keening like a prayer.
Darkness so sharp and perfect

my pain does not belong. 

NaPoWriMo day 3- Teetering Whale vs. Yoga Mermaids

My stomach spills
over tight black leggings
downward facing dog
it hangs over the yoga mat
dangling
warrior pose one
oozes around my hips
I glance around
long blonde hair
designer tank tops
overpriced sneakers
abs 
everything that breathes
in this stuffy, mirrored room
is calm and centered and so damn beautiful
except me 

NaPoWriMo day 2- Spring on Warwick blvd.

Bumblebees swim
    drunkenly
around cherry blossoms
in the sweet, dizzy breeze.

Whitepink of the shuddering flowers,
yellowblack fuzzed bodies
b l u r
and everything sways
over sun-warmed brick.

A siren howls
for cherry blueberry summer,
a glorified tantrum
with screeching tires.

Arrest the bees
for loitering,
for breaking and entering
silky saccharine petals,
for being             elated!                 drunks.

No-
they’ve sped past with
that guttural cry,
face red, then blue, then red

after a black Honda Fit.

NaPoWriMo day 1- Listening for Rosie

Listening for Rosie

One ear in the grave
before supper.

Eavesdropping
on the dead, their shrill whirring,
shuffling, rustling.
Static clouds of sweet blackberry songs
discarded under muffled earthworms.

I want to understand.
Every evening under pillowed sunsets
Reaching
for that one soul,
cinnamon-eyed best friend.

Ear pressed to earth-chilled granite.
Voices drift and call
Needled by cliffs, set ablaze on shifting oceans,
my sidekick, my soulmate, lost
in a desperate mess of language.

Buried three months ago—
she’s arrived now.
I cry sugar water
and it feeds the fire ants.

I call out
Voice splintering like china.
But only a tangle of
               Expired melodies
Reverberate from dry soil.

Fists release crumbles of earth
they hadn’t known they were holding.
A sigh unshackled.  


I’ll be back tomorrow. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Three Jews Walk Into a Biker Church

A few months ago, my dad and his childhood buddy took a motorcycle trip through North Carolina. Being Jewish clergy, and of course, the proud owners of bikes, they caught wind of a church dedicated to bikers. But it was closed, and their trip ended with a sad lack of preaching motorcyclists. When my sister declared that she might move to Asheville for a teaching career, we decided to spend a few days checking out the area and celebrating New Year’s Eve. And on the very last day- yep, three very nervous and anticipatory Jews woke up early Sunday morning for Blue Ridge biker church. Driving down winding country roads and blasting cringe-inducing folk music, we passed tall churches with crosses and steeples jutting proudly into the cold sky. But they like the droids from Star Wars, they were not the churches we were looking for. We found our biker church in a small line of sketchy warehouses. The door was painted bright, unforgiving orange, and people were pulling up to the entrance atop their rumbling, vaguely intimidating machines. My sister began spouting second thoughts, and I suddenly had to pee, but it had to be somewhere else because one simply could not pee in a biker church because it just wasn’t the right thing to do, and maybe we should skip the endeavor altogether…my dad just laughed at us and ushered us out of the car. A few people had gathered outside of the church. An older guy with a white beard made into a ponytail, donning a Harley baseball cap and thick boots and rings on almost every finger. A tall man practically dripping in leather, from his boots to his pants to his heavy jacket. A few women with Harley rings and purses (I began to see a trend) and tall leather boots up to their calves. A lanky guy wearing a baggy t-shirt and jeans came over to us, and introduced himself as the preacher. His southern accent was heavy between stained teeth and a huge smile, and it was immediately impossible to dislike him. The other members began introducing themselves, either in real names or biker nicknames, shaking our hands and welcoming us to their family. We were shepherded into the warehouse, where the walls were painted black and orange in appreciation of Harley, and posters of motorcycles and Harley logos were tacked randomly about. A small stage was set in front, with a huge drum set. This was not your average church. My sister, dad and I were about to sit down in the folding chair “pews” when the preacher called for a prayer circle. Everyone held hands, bowed their heads slightly, and the preacher began to pray. He informed us that a church member had tried to take his own life the previous night, and asked God to care for the congregant while he was recovering in the ICU. He prayed that members of the church would be able to visit him and lift his spirits and bring him hope. He asked God for the continual care and love of his church and his congregants, thanking him for providing such a wonderful family. He asked God to bless a newlywed couple, and thanked God for bringing them together. Then the preacher paused, letting other people share their blessings, hopes, and gratitude. There was so much love, so much unquestioning faith, so much gratitude in these tattooed, pierced, and leather-clad bikers. I was holding back sobs. When the prayer circle ended, everyone hugged—and my family was included. Then everyone slowly made their way to the lines of folding chairs, chatting amiably about their families and their bikes and their blessings. The band hadn’t been able to make it, so the preacher announced they would be doing “band in a can” which led to some chuckles and nods, and the projection of Christian songs on Youtube onto a blank wall. The newlyweds sat a row in front of me; a woman with an intense southern drawl and snow-white hair, and a man clad in a black leather jacket that read, “Born again in Christ” in rhinestones. He was wearing a utility belt with several intimidating objects, including a huge sheathed knife. There was a large silver ring on almost every large finger—in fact, everything about him, was, in a word, large. I watched as he stood up and raised one hand in the air. Then this leathery giant began to sway back and forth to the music, singing along. He clapped enthusiastically at the end of each song, his rings clinking together like a bell. When he sat back down, his wife cuddled up to him and he rested his head on top of hers. (Yes. I was crying. Just assume that I never stopped crying. There was an extensive number of tears.) The preacher walked onto the small stage, and began to deliver his sermon on the prodigal child. His words were full of hope and understanding and a fierce love for God and the bible. I didn’t know the story, and as a Jew there were differences in the Jesus-y, Holy Spirit-y bits, but the basic message was as easy as breathing—be humble, be accepting, be full of love. The bikers chimed in with sounds of agreement, applause, and their own thoughts, all captivated by these ideas and ready to march out into the world on this epic mission to be good. The preacher then began talking about “lost souls”—people who had turned to drugs or material possessions for happiness, people who were hurting and alone. Our job, the preacher told us, was to search for these lost souls and help them. Coming into the service, I would have deemed all these rough-around-the-edges, Harley loving people as lost souls. But watching them pray together with an endless capacity for faith and acceptance, I realized they were the ones who had found themselves. The service ended with the preacher inviting his congregants to engage in personal prayer. One woman prayed for her stepson, some prayed for a lead guitarist for the church, and some prayed for the healing of their friend in the ICU. The preacher’s prayer captivated me the most—he spoke longingly and lovingly of a biker church Sunday school filled with happy, learning children. The thought of toddlers running around in black leather pull-ups made me want to chuckle, but the intensely sincere hope in preacher’s voice was powerful. Everyone began to hug each other, and bikers rushed over to thank us for coming, and invite us to their next event. “There will be soup and stew, and we’ll be studying Leviticus! We would love it if you came!” one woman told us, shaking our hands. We thanked the preacher for a beautiful service and he lit up in a stained, carefree smile. “God blesses me every day,” he told us happily. And as we walked out of that brightly painted warehouse, revving motorcycle engines fading into the country roads, bikers all waving goodbye and wishing us well, I couldn’t have agreed more.