Moving Forward

Don't let your past take more time than it deserves.

This is something high school has taught me, and I've made a really strong effort to not dwell on what I've left behind. However, this isn't as easy as getting a bad grade on a test, and saying, "I won't let this hold me down; I'll use it as motivation to study harder next time." Imagine saying that every single day, each hardship wearing at your positivity and lowering your emotional stamina.

Doesn't sound fun, does it? I was bullied all the way up to freshman year of high school, starting in kindergarten. Yes, surprisingly even kindergarteners are fully capable of being unkind. I distinctly remember a group of girls giggling in the coat closet one day, and I recall asking to join them. They asked me if I was tired, and I promised that I wasn't. Then they told me I couldn't join their "closet club" because they were all sleepy and I was awake, which made me different. They pretended to fall asleep until I had trudged away, staring at my light-up sneakers so I wouldn't cry.

I have too many somber stories to recount, and besides, that's not the point of this blog post. As you can imagine, with each snide comment, exclusion, and feeling of being unwanted, my confidence sunk lower and lower. When I finally reached high school, I was terrified that I wouldn't meet any new friends. Yet at the same time, I was tired of being fake and hiding behind a shell in order to get people to like me. It was then that I realized I needed to balance being true to myself and being able to understand my limits. And doing so meant completely letting go of the past. I can't say that I immediately through caution to the wind and dove into high school life; I still had some grudges, and my confidence was still pretty shot. But I began to slowly turn my focus toward the present and future, instead of the past. I was able to make friends, join clubs, and let my personality show. It wasn't perfect, but the experience I had was so much stronger and healthier than my previous years.

I don't consider myself to be breathtakingly popular, dazzlingly cool, or strikingly gorgeous. But I can finally say that I am 100% authentic, and that is a feat worthy of my confidence. I said this before, but I don't think I can stress it enough- don't let your past take more time than it deserves. I have an exciting future at an amazing college, and right now my life is nothing but smiles. Yes, I had a really rough time. Yes, my confidence was really low. But at the moment, there's only bright skies and a promising horizon. My past is going to stay where it belongs; it's time to move on.

A letter to my ten-year-old self

Dear 10 year old me,

Hey…I like those braces.

I know the orthodontist told you not to get white rubber bands,

But you rock that spaghetti sauce smile.

I’m writing to you today, because maybe you’ll tell other kids what I’m about to tell you.

I know you won’t believe it now, but you can make a difference in the world.

Trust me.

I know that to a lot of people, you’re too short, too awkward, too different.

Well, someday, and not even right now, but Some Day.

You are going to think differently.

It’s not up to those people to decide whether you’re beautiful; it’s you.

If you’re kind to others, positive, compassionate,

You’re beautiful, and no one can dare say differently.

It’s hard for you right now,

You’ve got middle school next year and you’re scared there’s just going to be more people who don’t like you and put you down.

Well, I can’t say that’s not true, but ten year old self, something changes.

You make good friends, who stick up for you and maybe even think you’re beautiful.

It’s going to be ok, and I wish I had a Tardis so I could be Benedict Cumberbatch’s companion and I’d find you and tell you—

You’re going to turn out just fine.

Different? Slightly nutty? Yeah. But in the future, you’re ok with that because that’s who you are and knowing that

Makes You Beautiful.

It’s going to get so much better.

And all those shallow, self-serving people who looked down on you are going to say, “Wow. I wish I was as happy as Jennifer.”

But ten-year-old self, this message isn’t just for you.

It’s for every kid of every age who, for some reason, can’t see their happy endings.

It’s there, I promise,

And it starts with looking at your flaws and imperfections and saying, “Yeah. That’s me. And I change for no one.”

Accepting who you are is really hard, I get it.

But it needs to happen if you want to rise above those people who say you’re not worth it.

Because then maybe they’ll see that self- acceptance is the right path,

And they’ll laugh, but when they try to accept themselves,

They won’t be able to.

So they’ll become better people.

And maybe society will be kinder and less judgmental and generally suck less.

Ten year old me, the first step toward this utopia is loving yourself.

Give it a try.

Confidence doesn’t mean you’re cocky, it means that you believe in yourself enough to help others believe in themselves.

You’ll get there, each and every one of you.

Trust me.

 Oh, ten year old self, one more thing?

You can wear Limited Too clothing as long as you freaking want.

Don’t listen to the haters.

Own it.

Going into college

Ah, freshman year of college. To quote one of my favorite movies, "I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS!" I am excited to have a new start, anxious (for too many reasons to list), determined, thrilled, uncertain; just imagine all the juxtaposing feelings in the world, bouncing around my brain like tennis balls with ADHD. As you can imagine, it's a tad overwhelming.

I'm terrible at sorting out my feelings, but for some reason I'm great at giving advice to other people. So maybe if I post advice on here to all of my friends going to college, I'll be able to better digest my thoughts? Does that make me selfish? Gah that is too complicated- my brain is on summer mode, no need to philosophize.

Ok so here we go. It's advice time.

1. PEOPLE SKILLS ARE KINDA REALLY IMPORTANT.
You don't need to be the person who sounds like a 5 year old, begging people to be her friend, but it's good to be open and friendly. One trick is to offer others help with moving stuff or walking somewhere. Or ask for their help- do they know where [insert fancy college building here] is? Because you sure as heck don't. Would they mind helping you carry your [insert thingy here] to your room? Thanks so much, and by the way, I like your [options include but are not limited to: clothing, eyebrows, parents, teeth whiteness, etc.] You get the point. This will allow you to strike up a conversation while not coming off as desperate.

2. DON'T EAT YOUR FEELINGS.
Emotions are friends, not food. This is different than grabbing a cake for dessert, or having a soda when you're thirsty, as that is perfectly fine. I'm a terrible example of a healthy person (what? nutella isn't a vegetable?) but I know if I'm anxious, I tend to eat more junk food than usual. If you recognize this in yourself, don't get your knickers in a twist. It's pretty normal (to an extent) and nothing to beat yourself up over. Ask yourself, "Am I actually hungry?" or drink a large glass of water before dunking doritos and fries in a pint of ice cream. Also find ways to manage your stress, so you won't turn to food for comfort. Freshman 15? It can kiss your...gluteus maximus. Yeah, that was definitely the initial phrase going through my brain.

3. MANAGE YOUR MIND.
This is something I am seriously working on. Know your emotional limits- what makes you upset, if sleep/dehydration play a role in how you're feeling (plot twist- they DO), when you need to take a break and how you need to take it. Know what recharges you; music, writing, physical sportsy things (obviously my forte), nature, or even just taking a nap. It is more than ok to skip hanging out with your newfound friends for a little bit, if it means you'll be recharged and ready to go later. This is especially important going into college because it's likely that your anxiety levels will be higher than usual. You literally have billions of cells and tiny science things in your body, trying to make you healthy and happy. Make their job easier by managing your stress and productively taking time for yourself.

4. BE AT THE HELM OF YOUR OWN SCHEDULE.
Again, this is something I need to be more on top of. I affectionately call wasted hours "netflix hours," because you don't realize they're gone until it's midnight and your essay remains unwritten. (was it worth it to watch all those 80's movies? probably not.) Do not be sucked down by netflix hours!!! Create a checklist for the day, have your phone set reminders, or even ask a friend to text you. Your first few weeks in college will be filled with activity fairs, meeting your professors, making friends, and general chaos. Make sure you prioritize and have a clear idea of where your time is going.


So I was going to have five advice sections, but my stomach is demanding nourishment and if I leave this unfinished there is no telling when it will be posted. My bets are on next year. Anyway, I hope you benefit from this blog post, as that was the main intention. And you don't have to be going into college to profit- I think this list applies to most people, and if you've already mastered it than you deserve a cookie and then a scolding for stretching the truth. If you are going into your first year of college, don't worry. You will do amazingly and expand your noggin and change lives.

XOXO,
Jenn

Woooo I did a technology thing! And if I click the right thingers, maybe this will actually work!

Why did I make this blog, you ask? The answer is complicated; involving boredom, a surplus of creativity, and the desire to have my ideas be heard.

I will be posting shenanigans about college, my opinions on life, and hey maybe I'll even sprinkle in some poetry. IT'S LIKE A SHMORGESBOARD FOR YOUR MIND and wow I spelled that word atrociously.

If you have anything under the sun you want me to write about, feel free to let me know! Feedback of any sort is welcomed and will be read with gusto.

Welcome to a website of my words- you can expect awkward phrasing (as shown a plethora of times in this introduction), weird similes, and my unabashed thoughts. Which will be refreshing, because I tend not to share anything that might make anyone uncomfortable or upset. Carpe Diem, I suppose.

Have a fantastic night.
XOXO,
Jenn