Here's To Hope

Hello, wonderful friend. I don't know where I'm going to take this post, but to quote the ever eloquent Mean Girls, "I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS!" If you don't like that movie, you don't even go here. But that's off topic (ignoring the fact that I do not yet have a topic). Also this is probably going to get intensely personal, so if you were looking for a happy little read before bedtime- check in another time.

This past month has been tough for me, and yesterday it got a lot harder. My kind, wonderful grandpa, in all of his 93 year old perfection, is starting to near the end of a remarkably full life. Last night I was told that things were moving much more quickly than anticipated. I won't go into details because I've done an absurd amount of crying in the past 24 hours, and I'd really like to be done.

Grief is a weird, unpredictable thing. One minute you're blubbering into your (confused and rather concerned) dog, the next you're numbly working through your day. I am not able to grasp the range of my emotions- if asked, "How are you feeling," my answer would nonsensically be, "A lot." Anger, denial, mourning, guilt, confusion, and for some reason when I'm sad I get really cold. But there's one feeling that surprised me- one little gold coin amidst the emotional poetry writing and binge grape juice drinking. Hope.

There is still hope that this is just a rough patch. My grandpa could receive all the prayers my wonderful friends and family are sending. He could find a home in the facility that's taking care of him- make some friends, eat copious amounts of breakfast food (it's his favorite), find solace in Friday night services. Everyone is apprehensive, cautious- but that doesn't mean everything couldn't be cleared away with one of his astoundingly photogenic smiles. I pray every chance I get because there is no way I'm letting go of the very real possibility that everything will be ok.

Ranting about my life seems entirely too selfish, and I apologize. If you've ever been through something like this (I'm guessing a majority of people have) I am so very sorry. This is my first time dealing with potential loss, so I can't imagine having gone through this at a young age, or even more than once. The fear of losing someone you love is paralyzing, and hurts so deeply you don't know where the pain is coming from. But at the same time, I suppose I'm lucky that I had such a strong relationship to begin with. Perhaps I should focus less on what I could lose, and more on how much I've gained from a strong, wonderful man. My grandpa was- and still is- a vibrant and loving soul. I love him, as does my family, and nothing will ever change that.

I'm going to take the next few weeks one breath at a time. While it's perfectly normal to be upset, my goal is to try and focus on what a great relationship has blossomed. And there's still that shining, fluttering thing called hope. I hope (that was completely unintentional, I assure you) that whatever difficulties you find yourself in, you hold tight to the idea that there could still be a happy ending. Because it's possible. The universe is cool like that.

So here's to hope. May our positive thoughts take firm control of runaway fears, and let us find beauty in whatever the future holds. May we honor the past by respecting what comes next. I sound like a hippie yoga teacher, but my heart feels lighter so hey maybe that's not such a bad thing.

XOXO
Jenn