Panic Attack (can you tell I'm bad at titles)

4:44 am

shoved into consciousness

breathlessness

dizziness

I can’t hold down air

despite gasping

My insides might

soon be exterior décor

and it’s so so so cold

(or am I sweating, burning)

I lay on the cold tiled

bathroom floor

downward dog

Am I anxious or sick

or dreaming the

whole messy thing

reality

fuzzed but harsh

liquid but severe

I down a tiny cup

of pink goo

sliding cold and

minty medicinal

into my stomach’s

thunderstorm

like a blushing SOS

I feel even sicker

so back to bed

measured breaths

turn desperate

not enough air in

“breathe for five

hold for five

release for five”

am I sick

I could die this very second

one more gasp and

blue-faced silence

I don’t want to die I don’t want to die I don’t want to die please god please please please I don’t want to die I have so much to do

fatigue saunters in

S o  s l o w l y

or is it physical exhaustion

I’m grateful for anything

else

it’s 5 am

I am the first

to hear the first bird chirp

for the morning

I want to strangle it

and lapse into tears